When was it?
When I first started thinkin' about killing my wife...
For those of you who've never killed anyone...
Yes you!
You people peacefully watching
You'll never get your mind around it.
For you, snuffing out somebody's life is almost 100% unbelievable.
For us killing folk, not whacking someone is almost 100% unbelievable.
Almost...
Oh... that feels good. Yeah...
Yeah... I'm...
I'm com...
A CM about a guy who's quick in bed.
He comes in 3 secs.
Yoko's Thought Up Commercial
Mind Blowingly Quick.
For Fast Internet Access, Get SPEED!
Something wrong?
Nothing really.
Yoko, are any commercials you made on lately?
Maybe.
Maybe that beer one?
Like those pro wrestling Amazon women?
You got me.
I knew it.
I thought so.
Why's that?
It's a yawn.
Really?
So boring I almost barfed.
What? You angry? You're pissed.
Not at all...
My honest opinion is valuable, huh?
It's useful, right?
But that one's really boring.
My CMs have a certain love-hate factor.
Certainly not.
The entire country hates it.
Not necessarily.
I almost forgot.
What?
You trying to kill me?
How'd you figure me out?
Yoko...
your armpits reek.
I gotta hold my breath to keep from dying.
If I die, we're talking homicide.
Say it backwards, you get REDRUM.
You see "The Shining"?
Killer armpit stench...
You could use the idea.
You can use it in your CMs.
Maybe I've got a flair for commercial planning.
Well?
Being a copy writer is a breeze.
Anybody can do it.
My gut...
All right.
That was a breeze.
That house wasn't even locked.
Amazing.
How'd we make out?
Hold on.
Ta-da! 1, 2, 3... 200,000 yen or so.
200,000 yen!
Hey, what's next?
Some ladies of the evening?
Feelin' fine time?
When you're, you know, which hand?
When jacking off?
Me... my right hand.
I wonder. Which one was it?
Look out!
Don't check your package! Hands at 10 and 2!!
S-s-sorry. Sorry.
You scared me.
I can come without using my hands.
What the hell? How?
With this. Concentration.
Image!
Get real!
Seriously!
Seriously?
Talking God's realm.
You're so money, J.
Realm of the senses.
That, I'd like to see.
Keep your eyes on the road.
S-s-sorry. Sorry.
We're approaching Narita. Would you mind putting your seats upright?
Oi. Come back here.
What is your function here?
Me?
I'm the cabin attendant so...
I make sure you passengers have a pleasant and safe flight. I guess.
That's not what I mean. What is your purpose for living?
What are you doing?
What is your function on this planet?
I'm terribly sorry... That's very hard, how should I answer?
There's no need to think hard about it!
You'll get the wrong answer. Simply answer.
Follow your instincts and answer.
Even if I...
10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
But if, for example, you were me, how would you...
Don't ask me! Don't be poking into my affairs!
What are you?
My fucking mother? There's no way you are!
What am I, your son?
I don't think so. What's with you!
You messed up in the head?
You ugly bitch!!
Receipt
I'm home.
Welcome home, Daddy.
Keiichi, are you still up?
Yep.
Another late day, huh?
How'd it go?
How'd what go?
The Aoyama tickets... The hypnotist.
Oh, I forgot.
You forgot!
No, I didn't forget, I...
What? Which is it?
Ta-da!
No way.
Yes way.
Way to go, Daddy.
Were they hard to buy?
Of course they were.
His show is way popular.
They say he hypnotizes the entire audience.
Really?
You know Kanako, she...
No, I don't know her.
I was talking to Mom.
Kana-chan?
Kanako said before she went...
She thought it was fake. Now she's a hard-core Aoyama fan.
Aoyama's big, huh?
He's tall and good looking.
I'm pretty tall myself.
When is it?
Tomorrow.
We are so there.
You've got cram school, remember?
Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
No maybes about it.
Besides, I'll never get into college.
Stop it. You and your attitude is...
School...
Yes?
Forget school.
All right!
Hold on honey!
That's no example for our kids.
Come on. I worked my butt off to get these tickets.
But...
Let's play hooky!
OK. Who's in?
Yippee!
Sometimes the kids need to relax.
What a wise father.
Thanks Daddy.
Didn't they cost big money?
Not really.
The president of one of my big clients, you know, Mr. Saito.
You met him. Remember?
Nope. Not at all.
Anyway...
He's got friends in show biz and he said he owed me.
It's my account and I should give him something but...
These premium tickets scalp for 100,000 yen.
Wow.
Sell?
Shall we sell them?
What's with that face? Stop it.
Let's sell.
To sell or not to sell.
That is the question.
And now, the Non-Non pain relief medicine commercial for your viewing.
We're most happy with the work.
You'll be more than pleased.
You have a phone call.
Tell them to wait.
It's your wife and it's urgent...
Yeah. Yeah.
What?
The bathroom light is out?
How's it coming, J?
Like clockwork.
You're so money, J.
I gotta get a job soon.
What's wrong with this job?
There's plenty wrong with it.
Maybe... Like what do you wanna do?
Like what?
Wanna do? I have something I wanna do.
Jesus...
Off! Idiot!
My bad.
It's Kawaguchi.
Hello?
Yes... No, no, no, no.
Now, I'm, you know...
No, you know, I'm tied up so...
Yeah, well... Don't ask me...
OK. I'll pick something up on my way home.
Shall we take a look?
Okay then?
Please enjoy.
Oh no...
The biggest audition of my life and I've got a splitting headache...
Next.
Yes.
Can you dance?
Yes.
Let's dance. Dance with me. Dance.
Here's the music. OK.
And now. Music.
More, more. Harder. Harder.
Harder.
Harder. Yeah!
You can do better.
Harder, harder.
Faster.
Harder!
More, more.
Non-Non for Headaches.
It's not even close to what we asked for.
And now the if-I-can't-hypnotize-you you-win-1-million-yen contest.
And who will the challenger from the audience be this time?
Now...
who's it gonna be...
I broke a sweat.
How about that father in the grey suit there?
No way?
For real?
We never authorized this.
This is more entertaining.
I never said "make it entertaining".
Customers won't understand the functionality of our product.
Well spoken!
It's aspirin, right?
Does it have any other function than relieving headaches?
It has various components.
Like what? For example?
For example, like...
Whatchamacallit pie ring... What's the name again?
Isopropylantipyrine.
See. Pro, pro, propylanti...
If you don't understand...
the customer will get lost in the technobabble.
Commercials must be entertaining. Otherwise, no one will watch.
Simple one-sided, corporate masturbation is...
Masturbation?
We're the ones sporting the bill.
Then you're wasting your money on boring commercials.
President, the phone.
I said "no calls!"
It's your wife and it's urgent...
Yeah. Yeah.
60 or 100 watt?
I told you I haven't the faintest...
Anyway... Take a look...
What? You can't reach it?
So pull a chair over there... That a girl...
You think I'm smart?
Is this place Poorsville or what?
That's why I said the house next door was better.
They're all the same.
Shirogane is the place.
We're here so...
You said we'd score here, limp dick!
I never said that.
Did so.
No man, I didn't.
Ouch! Stop it.
My, my, my balls!
Ouch! You're crushing my ribs.
My ribs...
Morishita?
What, what?
What's with you?
Keep your voice down.
Playing cards.
Cards?
Screaming over cards. Are you a kid or what?
Let's play a hand.
We ain't playing cards. What's with you?
I dig cards.
Don't you start too.
Owch!
May I have your name sir?
Kobayashi.
Mr. Kobayashi. What a wonderful, loving family you have.
A beautiful daughter, handsome son and kind, loving wife.
But we're broke.
Butt out.
Mr. Not-a-dime-to-your-name Kobayashi.
I've got more than a dime.
Mr. More-than-a-dime-to-your-name Kobayashi, it's challenge time.
Please have a seat.
Now I'm going to hypnotize you.
If I fail, the 1 million yen is yours, Mr. Kobayashi.
Okay.
Here we go.
Under my spell, you will become a bird. Please look at my finger.
Do I have to?
Closing your eyes or...
not doing what I say is against the rules.
Sorry.
Now, look at my finger.
On the count of three, you will become a bird.
Mr. Kobayashi?
Daddy?
We won!
1 million yen!
No way?
Evening!
Who, who, who, are you?
What is your function in life?
Making chicks come.
Just kidding! I'm a hypnotist.
Otherwise, useless.
You... hurt my feelings.
Did you say 'sayonara' to your momma?
What?
Did you say 'sayonara' to your momma?
That feels good.
One more.
My dad's still a bird!
Undo the hypnotism!
I can't... Sorry...
Hey!
Yoko, why are you looking at your watch?
No reason... What gives with that president?
Hmm.
Don't 'hmm' me. So it's rejected?
Yep.
Don't 'yep' me.
What're you gonna do?
Maybe change it a bit.
Change what part?
Maybe bring the joke factor down.
Make the product easier to understand.
I'm out.
Huh?
You change it, I'm out.
How selfish.
What's selfish about it?
I mean it's selfish of them to...
I'm getting out.
Come on, Yoko.
Out of the cab.
Driver, let me off here.
Yoko, wait...
Hurry up.
Stop and open the door.
OK, OK... Move.
Hurry up.
Yoko.
I won't change it. If they hate it, get someone else.
And another thing, don't call me by my first name.
Okay.
Ready... go!
I'm beat.
Yippie!
You suck! Damnit!
Again.
Okay.
One more.
Ready... go.
Morishita!
Why the J?
No reason.
Oh?
Somebody's home!
This is bad.
J! J! J!
J, you smell good.
Call the hospital!
What hospital?
Anywhere. Just hurry!
Daddy?
Where's Daddy?
Daddy?
Daddy's gone.
Daddy, come here.
This way.
Shouldn't he go to work?
How could he?
I'll worry about dad.
Okay.
Don't tell anyone at school.
Like I would.
What is your function in life?
I have none.
So who's the hit man?
Don't be asking me questions!
Don't be poking into my affairs!
Isn't it pretty damn obvious? Does he look like a hit man?
Does this boring fuck look like a killer?
That's me, by the way.
If he could get the job done, why the fuck would I fly here?
Figure it out man.
Don't ask me questions, you asshole!
Keep it up and I'll hit you.
I'll whack you.
I'll hit you and kick you. And hit you and kick you again.
I'll kick you in the balls.
I'll grease you asshole.
Did he say all that?
Like you'd know? You don't even speak English!
How much?
1 million yen.
Done.
But no punk gangsters.
Punk gangster?
Lately, when I make TV commercials I team up with overseas directors.
I think their level is high.
Level...
Of professionalism. High but worth it.
High...
Quite.
Get a foreign hit man.
Foreign...
You're the coordinator, so get coordinating.
I'm paying enough.
Can you do it?
Do my best.
Damn straight you will.
Damn straight.
I want results.
Results...
Do... him.
I'll do him.
How much?
1 million yen.
1 million yen. That's high.
But he's a foreigner.
So...
So I brought him all the way from London.
That ain't no reason.
1 million, huh?
Fuck it. Sorry.
Can you hold on a minute?
I'll cut you a deal. Please name your price.
10,000 yen.
He accepts.
You sure?
What's with that?
I got attacked by a crow.
A bird did that?
Yeah.
Did it hurt?